FROM AN ACADEMIC ACHIEVER TO A MEDIOCRE LOSER

I have been a consistent honor student ever since my pre-elementary days. I excelled in academics, in all subjects— be it english, science,  even mathematics which I never thought would later be my greatest demise.

This is not the first time mathematics made me question my capabilities— I can still vividly remember the way I shed tears when I saw an 87 on my card back in 11th grade. I felt so worthless. To others, it might seem quite the decent mark— some even told me they could only wish to have a mark as high as 87. But I didn’t care, I didn’t even pay attention to the rest of my grades, which ranged from 93-96, all I ever saw was the 87 on the paper.

The cycle repeats in college, only now it’s much worse. I’m far from the finish line I know I’ll never cross, because of a mark I can never change, no matter how desperately I appeal for a special project— which requesting in itself is humiliating enough. 

I try so hard to love mathematics. I keep saying it’s easy, albeit knowing damn well it isn’t for me. Not anymore. I used to excel even in mathematics. I’m not sure what happened, why I became so mediocre all of a sudden. Is it because of an illness I can’t control?

You’re probably expecting me to write something inspiring, something like life doesn’t end when you can’t reach the latin honors title, but no. I will forever be haunted by the ghosts of my failure, like a shadow that follows me everywhere— even when I’m faced by the brightest light, the shadow will always be there, behind me, reminding me that I’m nothing but a failure.